How Kids Misuse the Situation During and After Divorce
Disclaimer: Long post, lets educate ourselves. Please ignore if you already know or don’t fall in this category 🙏.
1. Playing Parents Against Each Other
• Kids realize that mom and dad are no longer on the same page.
• They might say things like:
• “Mom lets me do it.”
• “Dad said it’s fine.”
• “You’re stricter than the other parent.”
• Result: Each parent tries to be the “good one,” leading to inconsistent discipline and more manipulation.
Example:
A 10-year-old asks dad for a video game after mom already said no. Since communication is weak, dad says yes to avoid conflict or guilt — the child learns this pattern works.
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2. Emotional Manipulation
• Kids may use sadness, guilt, or tears to get what they want.
• They know both parents feel emotionally fragile, so they exaggerate pain to get:
• Extra gifts or treats
• Relaxed rules
• Attention or sympathy
Example:
“I miss you so much, Mom — can you buy me a new toy so I don’t feel sad anymore?”
This sounds innocent but becomes a learned behavior pattern.
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3. Taking Advantage of Parental Guilt
Many divorced parents overcompensate with:
• Expensive gifts
• Lax discipline
• Excessive leniency
Kids sense this and push boundaries.
They might say things like:
“You’re the reason our family broke, you should let me do this.”
Result: short-term peace, long-term behavior problems.
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4. Avoiding Responsibility
Kids sometimes use divorce as an excuse:
• “I can’t focus on homework because of what’s happening.”
• “I’m too sad to go to school.”
While emotional distress is real, sometimes kids milk the sympathy to escape accountability.
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5. Testing Rules Between Two Homes
When parents share custody (50/50 or joint):
• Rules vary between homes.
• Kids pick the “easier” home or start bending truth.
• “Dad said I can stay up late.”
• “Mom said I don’t have to do chores.”
This causes chaos and power struggles between parents.
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6. Using Divorce as Social Power
Older kids or teens may use divorce as a social shield:
• To justify poor behavior (“You don’t know what I’m going through”).
• To gain sympathy from teachers, coaches, or friends.
• Sometimes even to guilt extended family.
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7. Seeking Control Through Rebellion
When kids feel powerless (common after divorce), they may rebel to regain control:
• Ignoring instructions
• Skipping school
• Hanging with wrong friends
• Refusing to visit one parent
It’s their way of saying, “You can’t control everything in my life.”
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💡 Why They Do It
• Divorce shakes their sense of security and control.
• Kids act out or manipulate not to hurt — but to cope or restore balance.
• Their logic: “If I can control mom/dad or get what I want, I’ll feel safe again.”
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❤️ How Parents Can Handle It
1. Stay United in Parenting
• Even if you’re divorced, have shared rules: bedtime, screen time, chores.
• Always confirm decisions with the other parent when possible.
2. Don’t Overcompensate
• Love and time matter more than gifts or leniency.
3. Call Out Manipulation Calmly
• “I understand you’re upset, but trying to play us against each other isn’t okay.”
4. Provide Emotional Safety
• Encourage open talk about feelings.
• Reassure: “Mom and Dad both love you, even if we live apart.”
5. Seek Neutral Support
• Family counselor or school psychologist can help if manipulation becomes toxic or emotional imbalance grows.
